It’s kind of funny. The joke, that is. But more to the point, the clip contains some mindfuckingly spectacular Metal Gear Solid 4 gameplay that sort of overshadows the funny, in the end.

My thought process went something like: “Heh, that’s cool, I wonder how they got that in thOMIGOD HOLYFUCK RUN RUN RUUUUUUUUN” etc.

Ah, but these minor delays do tend to pile up, don’t they. I looked upon that little calendar on the right side this morning, which I have taken to calling the “guilt calendar”, and remembered why I call it that. 5 days! Oy vey!

Good thing you don’t pay for this service, unlike something else I could name, that rhymes with DIVE. That’s right I said it. LIVE is still acting flaky. It keeps kicking me off. I don’t know what fucking mutant virus or bug or malfunction they have running around over there at Microsoft but seriously, this is starting to look bad. According to the forum dwellers, they seem to have solved most of the problems, but we’re definitely not out of the woods yet.

Speaking of Xbox problems – a blog entry surfaced this week claiming to detail the ‘systemic’ problems of the 360′s design. You can read for yourself. It rings true to me, although it doesn’t make me feel any better. Short version: Microsoft rushed the thing to beat the PS3 by a year, and now it can break any one of a dozen ways. More contentious still is the claim that even the newer models are sporting an estimated 10% failure rate. Better than 30%, but that is the faintest of praise.

Grand Theft Auto 4 just got a release date: April 29, 2008. I have nothing to add here.

From Famitsu by way of 1up, we have a bunch of new info about Final Fantasy XIII – both the main version staring a girl, and the ‘versus’ version staring a boy who looks like a girl. There’s some stuff about the setting in there, summoned monsters that transform into motorcycles, a dog with a gigantic ruby in it’s forehead, and some more character intros. I predict that their new female cast member Nomchan will be as popular with the otaku as Aeris was, and we know how much gnashing and wailing we all had to endure when she got killed. I think some nerds cried. God that was awesome. I hope they do it again.

I’ve been watching with bored bemusement this week as this rightwing fuckhead from TownHall.com decided to try and troll for hits. Kevin McCullough is a sad little man. Whilst browsing the intarwebs for his latest outrage, he hit upon a YouTube clip of the “sex scene” from Mass Effect and decided to just run right into the endzone and out into the parking lot with that before he even knew what he was holding. Read the article if you like; it is of the lowest quality, this species of exaggeration. Of course, this brought out the long knives at Penny Arcade. They made Kevin famous, but not in the way he likely wanted.

Furthermore, Fox news decided to get in on the act and did what they predictably do, which is to fuck up the situation much like their compatriot Kevin. Headline: SE”XBOX”: NEW VIDEO GAME SHOWS FULL DIGITAL NUDITY AND SEX. Which of course, it doesn’t. It’s a huge lie. This is what Fox does. I feel bad for Geoff Keighley in that clip – he wins the debate with one hand tied, and yet he still can’t make a dent.

At least EA, who have recently acquired BioWare, have decided to punch back a little bit. Yet another sterling example of the double-standard that videogames have to endure relative to television and movies. Why do these puritanical assholes always miss the ‘Rated M’ on the box? Is it because they are puritanical assholes?

UbiSoft has released a few tidbits of info during their financial conference call yesterday. Prince of Persia 3 is coming – a little surprising as many thought the hand-off to Assassin’s Creed was complete. Guess not. Also, more troubling, is the news that Haze has been delayed again. This would be delay number three. That’s… alarming. No new date given, just “sometime this year”. Wonder if this affects the timed PS3 exclusivity at all.

Some blog which I will not link to has stirred up a ridiculous amount of fervor of the idea of a $299 white PS3 being released on Monday. No sir, I don’t buy it. It’s too soon after xmas for a price drop, and too soon after the other two price drops that happened late last year. A white PS3, sure. It’ll be $399 like the others.

The news that Patapon will only be $20 is extremely welcome. I’m really looking forward to this one. There’s an exhaustive preview of the title up at the PlayStation.Blog. The fact that they are pricing it this way means they know it probably won’t find a big audience but will find critical acclaim, just like LocoRoco.

Finally, the Devil May Cry 4 demo drops today on Live and PSN. Live should be up already, PSN I would expect around 5-7PM EST. Now you have your evening plans.

GOOD THINGS

1. Flying and Stabbing. As we all know, any good ninj’ing requires both a flying and stabbing component. These are crucial; the actions of hurtling through the air with reckless abandon as well as the piercing of infidels/underlings/henchpersons with a wide variety of skewering implements form the cornerstone of any stealth action game. Assassin’s Creed actually combines the two, giving the player the option of executing a flying stab; two great tastes that taste great together.

2. I Can See My Victim From Here. Impressive, vertigo-iducing views are nothing new in videogames but I think AC takes the crown for sheer grandiosity. There have been other titles where the area was bigger (not many), but none that offer more detail or atmosphere. It’s quite incredible actually. Approaching Damascus and seeing the whole city laid out in the valley below is a brilliant moment. The next time you become weary of dulling your blade on the unwashed masses, take a moment to climb your favourite guard tower-with-improbably-positioned-beam-outcropping, and perch yourself in an excruciating, percarious crouch high above the crowd. So relaxing!

3. The Bizarro Control Scheme Works. Actually, I don’t think it’s bizarro at all. I’ve often bemoaned the fact that certain games require a hell of a lot from the player in order to look like an ‘expert’. That’s silly. The guy on the screen, the one with the missing finger so that his wrist-blade can function properly? He’s the expert. I’m the ridiculous voice in his head giving stern suggestions. AC plays to this, as not only is the premise* supportive of the concept but it makes sense given the context of the game. The reason you don’t have to manually jump is because the game is not to simply jump but to navigate, and that’s a full-time game by itself when you are being chased. Swordplay took a little acclimatizing as well, but no complaints here.

4. Story Doesn’t Suck Huge Donkey Balls, and in Fact is Quite Engrossing. Despite the Vanilla Sky/Matrix setup, the writing is pleasantly complicated and M-rated. At one point your (captured, “real-life”) character recaps what has happened to him and simply remarks, “that is fucked up.” I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear some realistic dialogue in a game. Also, you can tell that Ubi spent some money on the voice work.

5. PS3 and Xbox 360 versions are nigh-identical. Sorry fanboys, basically nothing to see here, move along. (Maybe not – see EDIT below)

BAD THINGS

1. Go Out At Night, Dude. Seriously. I haven’t played through the whole game yet but so far, your assassin seems to keep banker’s hours and insists on doing all of his nefarious deeds in full view of the burning daystar, between 10am and 3pm. He should try evening shifts; the air is cooler and the city not quite as densely populated with aggravating crazy beggars and lunatics who will fuck up your shit just as you go to bury a dagger in some guy’s ear.

2. Altaïr Could Try Out For Cirque du Soleil But He Can’t Tie His Fucking Shoes. It’s great that he’s so acrobatic, it really is. The climbing looks amazing. The free-running, equally amazing. But if I’m up on a roof, say, and some archer sees me, I’d like to do something simple. I’d like to duck. Or crouch. But no, there is no ducking or crouching for this guy. He’s noble. He stands tall, defiantly proud!… from the shadows.

3. He Doesn’t Do “Inside”. Common thing with big sandboxy games like this one, but after awhile it becomes very apparent that you have not set foot indoors in days, possibly weeks. The little fixed-angle tiny room adjoined to the Assassin’s Bureau hardly counts. (What is this, Resident Evil 2?) I don’t expect to see every stupid little ramshackle building rendered inside and out, but at this point I’m starting to think that Altaïr is severely agoraphobic.

4. I Have No Idea When or If I’ve Saved the Game. New-gen autosave systems are cool. I like not having to mess around with blocks and shit like that. But when AC saves, it shows a little icon that looks like a SIM card (?) lower-screen for approximately one second. With all the other ‘animus’ technical flotsam jamming your view, it’s easy to miss. At some point, you go to quit the game and get several dire warnings about progress being lost since the last savepoint. When did it save? Was it awhile ago? No idea.

5. I’ve Played Spider-Man Before. A bit harsh, but it’s true. Counter-attacks? Optional side-quests to rescue civilians and punish random thugs? Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, in that superhero game, which frankly wasn’t as good. If the nature of the optional missions, the repition, is something that really bothered you in other games than I could see it bothering you here. As for myself, I’m all about the flying and stabbing. That just never gets old.

EDIT – one more Bad Thing: some are reporting freezing issues on load screens with the PS3 version. Ubi says they are looking into it, so perhaps a patch is in the works. I’ve noticed this once myself, I thought it was a fluke.

* and yes, the fact that the assassin is controlled by a modern character in the game is the premise, not a spoiler. It can’t be a spoiler if it’s mentioned in the fucking manual on page 2!

It’s a momentous occasion.

I don’t know why humans are so bad, so perpetually bad at estimating the timeframes for these things. I’ve been in the middle of (much smaller) software projects that fell victim to the same thing: some combination of optimism and wanting to please our corporate masters. Everyone gets time estimates wrong in software; it’s almost a truism.

So a nice, shiny Gold Star for Effort goes to:

UbiSoft Montréal for Assassin’s Creed (out Nov.13)
and
Naughty Dog for Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune (out Nov.20)

…for going gold and actually finishing their games on time.

It means a few less nights that I need to spend in a Bacchinalian coke-haze, screaming and rending my garments asunder, while the neighbours reinforce the doors with plywood. Thanks guys!